Am I a selfish person?

Dear diary,

They are calling me selfish.

Lingayen Beach, October 2018

People can be judgmental and this is the latest adjective that they labeled me with: “selfish.” Well, I can be judgmental too. In fact, I am. I tend to judge other people too based on their words and actions. Being judgmental, I thought, was just human nature. Although, since I disliked being judged the wrong way, I swore to always be empathetic. There must be a reason behind the way they talk or act – like a mishap in the morning that ruined their entire day or a traumatic experience that they had to live through their entire lives – just like mine.

Hearing rumors about me used to hurt me a lot. At some point in my life though, I learned that "what you say about other people says way more about you than the people you talk about." In order to understand it better, I did a quick search of “why are people judgmental” and this is what came up: “People can become judgmental due to their pride, their hurt and anger at being wronged, and a lack of love for others.” In conclusion, they must be proud, unable to accept criticisms, and do not have a deep affection for me. That’s right, I just gave them a taste of their own medicine.

This leads me to another trait that I dislike that most people and unfortunately, even I, possess: passiveness. I could simply say that “I’m judgmental but all people are judgmental by nature so that’s that,” which is what most people do. However, I reject to disregard the effects of my words to whoever receives them. Not to say that I’m a saint, but because there are people in my life who matter more than my pride. Those who have something to say about me without truly caring for me are not included though. If you refuse to change the way that you are – the arrogant, egotistic, and condescending b*tch that you are – that’s on you for being passive.

I was naive as a child. I thought that I was loved and that time will heal my wounds. With everything that’s happened, none of those proved to be true. The only reason they check on me is to feel reassured that somebody else is worse than them. They never stopped labeling me to feel good about themselves. Year after year is an all-new premiere. For this year’s annual release, my family presents: “Selfish,” a sequel to former box office hits “Likely to Fail,” “Alcoholic,” and “Flirt.” There’s also a daily series called “Freeloader.” Needless to say, time did not make anything better, it just developed a movie franchise.

What did heal my wounds was freeing myself from those caging words. I decided to stop being passive about it. For the longest time, those words defined who I am. I believed those words because they came out from the same mouths who claimed to take good care of me and my sisters at my mother’s funeral. Those words played like a scratched CD in my head while I thrived to prove my worth. Despite all of the effort, I continued to disappoint them which became frustrating on my part. To be honest, they still sting even though I try to soundproof my walls to cancel the noise.

Bohol, March 2019

I’m confused... Is it selfish to wish for growth without unnecessary obstacles? All I did was change what I could no longer accept. Would it be selfish to break free from oppression when freedom from torture is one of our basic rights as humans? Was I selfish for calling my achievements and accomplishments my own even though I did work hard for them? Does living one’s life to the fullest connotate being selfish? Is being selfish bad if it's to take care and look after one's self because no one else is going to? Even so, if I was really being selfish, is it my fault that they cannot be selfish too?

-G.