I'm turning into my mom...
Dear Diary,
The nagging, annoying and irritating person in the house - that's what I'm turning into. It's usually the mom in the house who does all that. When your sister didn't wash the dishes, the bathroom stinks, the clothes aren't in place, or the floor's dusty... basically, just when the house is a mess. Okay, sometimes when one of your siblings is missing and it's late, when you get asked about the silliest thing and Google's like right there literally in the palm of their hands and you don't even have to touch it [Hey, Google!], and when you ask them to pick something up and they literally pick up just that ONE thing leaving out everything else that's lying on the floor. Help me, God. This is the first paragraph and I'm already nagging.
I recently turned 25 this September and I was clueless of what it really meant at this point in my life. Like, nothing could possibly change in a blink of an eye just because I got drunk and celebrated my birthday last night. I'll wake up the same in the morning... or so I thought. I'm currently having a huge quarter-life crisis and I thought I went past this already. Well, at least I got done with choosing a career path and learned the word "GRIT" (this word changed me a lot, tbh). Then comes a hurricane that has made me question all the life decisions I made. Yes, I mean the ones that took years for me to choose and live up to.
I'm not really turning into my mom (coz I lost my mom even before puberty), I'm turning into my auntie. It's the same thing, though. She does all the BLAH, BLAH, BLAH in our house and I now clearly understand why she does that... I do it now, too. I find us blabbering (maybe cursing) about the same things and the situation at home just got worse because [NOTICE TO THE PUBLIC] the daily dose of nagging has increased. Just kidding! (Partly true, tho.)
How did I notice this? What I and my sisters noticed first was that Tita gets more and more tired every day. She's on her 64th and the way she handles things now is calmer than before. Tho, it depends on who sees it because if you know her like we do, then it's less aggressive. Lol. Then, my 25-year old self enters the frame and does all the crowing. "COCK A DOODLE DOO, B*TCH! I TOLD YOU TO HAVE THIS CLEAN 2 MINUTES AGO!"
Frankly, I never understood why she does that every single day back when I was only 24 years and 364 days old (char). Now, I think it's just the pressure of seeing the people you looked up to as a kid not as "sturdy" as before. It's not just her, it's also her siblings and even my dad. I was 9 when we went back and forth to the hospital for my grandfather and 14 for my mom. All throughout both journeys, all I had to do was sit back in the car when it's time to visit or tell them stories and make them laugh (or less worried). Today, if it happens to the "adults" in our lives (hopefully not soon), I would be clueless.
Maybe, that's THAT PRESSURE - what pushes me to also push my siblings, frustrates me when I feel like they're not pushing themselves too, angers me when I can't do anything on my own, saddens me but I shouldn't waste time on that, and frightens me for being lonely. Whenever I talk to my sisters now, I feel such a bipolar because I used to be the ate who they can talk to and joke around, not the mom who turns your jokes into a sermon. [KAKA-CELPHONE MO 'YAN!!!] They never know when I'm in a good mood and laugh with them or b*tch slap them (in a meme kind of way). They'll never know what they'll get and it saddens me that one day, they'll get tired of sharing with me.
Nagging isn't something that I am proud of. Who wants one in their homes, right? Even I hated it. The truth is that I mask my worries and fears with it. If only I can be so sure that we'll be fine but who knows for sure, right? Better be safe than sorry. The clock is ticking and it bothers me that we're not doing anything about it. If only I could have a better conversation with them to really make them understand before I run out of patience (which is the case, usually). Teehee! But seriously, if I need to remind my siblings every single day, then so be it.
I lost my mom 11 years ago and now that the ones we have left are growing wrinkles and white hairs, the responsibilities get bigger and bigger... and I'm just writing this to unload a few craps that had been sitting in my head all night making me lose sleep. Like, girl... I can't afford to be an unstable b*tch now! Of course, I've thought of ending it all, too. *Just one bite,* as the witch said to Snow White, but my skin is NOT as white as snow (not even close). The more I lose control of myself, the less likely I (and my family) would be able to go through whatever comes our way. I just wish more people realize that as long as we breathe, we have the chance to make things better in our own simple ways.
To whoever is going through the same sh*t and happens to stumble upon this unsolicited blog post, I hope you're doing fine. Repeat after me: I am stronger than my fears and anxiety attacks.
Stay sane,
G.
I recently turned 25 this September and I was clueless of what it really meant at this point in my life. Like, nothing could possibly change in a blink of an eye just because I got drunk and celebrated my birthday last night. I'll wake up the same in the morning... or so I thought. I'm currently having a huge quarter-life crisis and I thought I went past this already. Well, at least I got done with choosing a career path and learned the word "GRIT" (this word changed me a lot, tbh). Then comes a hurricane that has made me question all the life decisions I made. Yes, I mean the ones that took years for me to choose and live up to.
I'm not really turning into my mom (coz I lost my mom even before puberty), I'm turning into my auntie. It's the same thing, though. She does all the BLAH, BLAH, BLAH in our house and I now clearly understand why she does that... I do it now, too. I find us blabbering (maybe cursing) about the same things and the situation at home just got worse because [NOTICE TO THE PUBLIC] the daily dose of nagging has increased. Just kidding! (Partly true, tho.)
How did I notice this? What I and my sisters noticed first was that Tita gets more and more tired every day. She's on her 64th and the way she handles things now is calmer than before. Tho, it depends on who sees it because if you know her like we do, then it's less aggressive. Lol. Then, my 25-year old self enters the frame and does all the crowing. "COCK A DOODLE DOO, B*TCH! I TOLD YOU TO HAVE THIS CLEAN 2 MINUTES AGO!"
Frankly, I never understood why she does that every single day back when I was only 24 years and 364 days old (char). Now, I think it's just the pressure of seeing the people you looked up to as a kid not as "sturdy" as before. It's not just her, it's also her siblings and even my dad. I was 9 when we went back and forth to the hospital for my grandfather and 14 for my mom. All throughout both journeys, all I had to do was sit back in the car when it's time to visit or tell them stories and make them laugh (or less worried). Today, if it happens to the "adults" in our lives (hopefully not soon), I would be clueless.
Maybe, that's THAT PRESSURE - what pushes me to also push my siblings, frustrates me when I feel like they're not pushing themselves too, angers me when I can't do anything on my own, saddens me but I shouldn't waste time on that, and frightens me for being lonely. Whenever I talk to my sisters now, I feel such a bipolar because I used to be the ate who they can talk to and joke around, not the mom who turns your jokes into a sermon. [KAKA-CELPHONE MO 'YAN!!!] They never know when I'm in a good mood and laugh with them or b*tch slap them (in a meme kind of way). They'll never know what they'll get and it saddens me that one day, they'll get tired of sharing with me.
Nagging isn't something that I am proud of. Who wants one in their homes, right? Even I hated it. The truth is that I mask my worries and fears with it. If only I can be so sure that we'll be fine but who knows for sure, right? Better be safe than sorry. The clock is ticking and it bothers me that we're not doing anything about it. If only I could have a better conversation with them to really make them understand before I run out of patience (which is the case, usually). Teehee! But seriously, if I need to remind my siblings every single day, then so be it.
I lost my mom 11 years ago and now that the ones we have left are growing wrinkles and white hairs, the responsibilities get bigger and bigger... and I'm just writing this to unload a few craps that had been sitting in my head all night making me lose sleep. Like, girl... I can't afford to be an unstable b*tch now! Of course, I've thought of ending it all, too. *Just one bite,* as the witch said to Snow White, but my skin is NOT as white as snow (not even close). The more I lose control of myself, the less likely I (and my family) would be able to go through whatever comes our way. I just wish more people realize that as long as we breathe, we have the chance to make things better in our own simple ways.
To whoever is going through the same sh*t and happens to stumble upon this unsolicited blog post, I hope you're doing fine. Repeat after me: I am stronger than my fears and anxiety attacks.
Stay sane,
G.
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