Wubba Lubba Dub Dub

Dear diary,

I'm exhausted. At this point in my life, I just want to be completely selfish. I don't even know where to begin. I've heard and read too much about feeling too much is both a blessing and a curse but it never occurred to me what it really meant.

Only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile. - Albert Einstein

All these years, I've always believed that a life well-lived is a life lived for others. That's why I have always been understanding - to let things pass if it meant ruining my relationships. If losing an argument means losing the person you care about, I'm willing to lose every time.

I carefully choose the words to say if I felt like the person on the other end of the line is in need of empathy. "What would he/she prefer to hear right now?" I disregard my own opinions and feelings if that what it takes to make people feel better - that's how much I value them.

And how I wish they would do the same for me.

Just like them, I wish they realize that I hurt too. I wish they knew how to handle me, too, when I'm not at my 100%. I wish they think about me, too. That I make mistakes, too, but I would appreciate it if I felt safe with them. Like, receiving emotional support would definitely not be so bad for once, rather than using those failures against me at times I cannot deliver.

I apologize if I had not been the perfect daughter, sister, niece, cousin, friend, and girlfriend. Sincerely, I do.

If I wasn't able to please you, I'm sorry. If I wasn't there at times you needed me most, I'm sorry. If I let you down for more than a couple of times, I am sorry.

But please, I wish you didn't have to use my weaknesses against me. It's not easy for me to let down my walls and if I stripped completely naked in front of you down on my knees, I wish you didn't have to stab me. I wish of it only because I never did that when it was you. I know you're hurting, but so am I. I could only wish that I could still make it up to you. On most days, I'd put your feelings above me but not this time because I can't anymore. I'm tired.

I'm just waiting for the final blow 'til I'm out.