Things I Wish I Knew When I Was a Teenager

Dear diary,

I have been very frustrated lately. A few days ago, I was so sure that my frustration was due to the lack of communication between me and my sisters. Although I was so sure that I have told them all the wrong turns I took that have brought me a past that I could never shake off of me, it seemed like my words did not go through to them.

It is true that you can only help a person so much but the real change and progress that you want them to achieve will solely come from themselves. As in, they will only discover the real weight of my words when they experience and the pain and suffering brought about by their very own bad decisions.

I thought that my bad decisions in the past were the product of being misguided and traumatized. With all the unfortunate events that I had to go through as a teenager, nobody was there to tell me that I had the power to create my own path. I had to go through the worst before I could realize that it was me who burdened myself all along, for letting all the negativity get into me and sunk my own ship. I thought that I would never let my sisters go through the same hell that I did because unlike myself, they have someone to steer them clear from making those same bad decisions.

Until I spoke with my ate and she told me that maybe it just runs in the blood. I dared to disagree, though. Despite having no role models in the family, I cringe at the slightest thought of growing up to be the same as the people I dislike. Whenever I notice myself being passive, close-minded, angry, negative, judgemental, and a slacker, I always tell myself to stop.

That is not the person that I want to be remembered for when I pass away. I can be much better and I will be different because I choose to. I give myself a constant reminder that I will not end up the same way they did, and I will fight the urge to be just like them every single time, until the rest of my days if I have to.

It is just a matter of forcing good habits in order to change, instead of practicing the bad ones and just living with them. If I have only known what I know now when I was a teenager, I would have not wasted years of my life only to wake up in my late 20s full of regret. There were things I wish I did not do when I was younger–like throwing myself to guys who did not turn out to be very impressive years later, spending all of my nights drinking with people who do not add value to my life anymore, or wasting what is left of my allowance to be present in every party that nobody even remembers today.

If I could only go back in time, I would definitely not have wasted all the opportunity to make my living situation now even better. Not that I am not doing fine at the moment, I just know now for sure that I could have been so much better at this point in my life.

Now that I am 27, I wish I had listened when somebody told me that I was hurt but it will soon be okay. It is not the end of the world and it did not define who I was. I wish I took it to heart when they told me to be on time in school, not to stay out too late, or that he was just a guy. I wish I paid more attention to their warnings because the fact of the matter is there were still people who were there for me. People who cared for me so much more than the guys and fake friends who treated me like trash.

I did not have my parents nor my ate to stop me when I was being too much but there were still those who tried but I belittled their concerns. I gave in to the momentarily pleasures that did not have long-term benefits. Sure, the pain and suffering were all worth it for becoming the independent woman that I am today but it cost me the most precious thing of all–time.

Sure, there were lessons and people there that I would not have known if I did not go through it all. I just cannot help but imagine what life could have been like if I started snapping out of it sooner. I was trapped in a cycle of bad decisions for repeatedly choosing band-aid solutions. When life was hard, I only made it tougher.

However, no matter how much I wish I could turn back time, I still would not trade all of the lessons that I have learned because they were something that I could pass on. As an ate, maybe I was just meant to receive the first blow so it would not hurt as much when the next ones in line receive it. The frustration, I guess, comes from not being able to protect them even when I did my best to warn them of the harsh reality of the world.

-G.