Surviving the Rainy Days

 Dear diary,

Today is the last day of my 14-day home quarantine. It's the 14th day since I first found out that I have COVID-19 so before I go back to my chaotic everyday life, I want to write something to look back to when the rainy days come again.

"Saving for the rainy days" is something that everyone has heard of, but in my almost 28 years of existence, I have never learned what the "rainy days" were actually like until two weeks ago. You see, last year, I decided to give myself the gift of freedom. Like a genie in a bottle, the universe was generous enough to grant my wish though it came with a price. If it could talk, this is what it would have said to me: "To celebrate your first anniversary of living independently, I give you your first taste of the rainy days!"

I did not go out for a whole month before I acquired the virus except to get groceries and I work from home since 2017. The week before, I tried to quit smoking once again and even started doing yoga to get back into shape! Just my luck, everyone I have been in contact with (my sister and boyfriend who both visited me on separate occasions before I started experiencing symptoms) tested negative (thank god, btw) while I, positive. The only culprit I could point my finger on is my weak lungs. The day I found out, I didn't know yet what it meant to have Covid but I greatly feared being confined because the last time I was, I cried and yelled at everyone to take me back home. My mom and dad were there and they were the only people I wanted beside me. This time, I am alone infected with a contagious disease. I retched and couldn't catch my breath until I fell asleep.

For the first few days, the medicines knocked me out so I just slept through them. I even thoughtlessly posted that I had Covid on Facebook! To my surprise, my boyfriend and a close friend of mine actually called me out saying that there was no need for it. In my defense, I actually meant for it to tell my friends that the virus chooses no one and for them to be more cautious because Covid is real. Then, I felt too drowsy to gather my thoughts, thought about turning it into a joke but realized that would be inexcusably insensitive, which resulted in that plain and uncalled-for announcement. Lol.

Although, I have no regrets because I was able to catch up with friends I haven't talked to in a while. They shared stories of when they, their friend, or their family had it too, and how they survived it. One currently had it at the same time so we bonded over it. Some even went out of their way to hand over some essentials like the oximeter and a supply of disinfectant. Plenty offered to send something and even though I couldn't receive them because I am locked in here at my apartment, I appreciate their willingness to help me get through with my illness.

I realized that I never paid much attention to most of my friends that I only saw online for years since I started using social media for work. Social media became overwhelming for me and if I didn't stop working, I might never have those actual conversations that I had with them in a million years. I spent most of my days in isolation chatting with them, cooking, feeding, and taking care of myself with medicines, juicing, and steaming (aside from oversleeping), as well as checking my temperature and oxygen levels from time to time. Slowly, I was able to stay awake for the rest of the day and decided to check on our work chat and try getting back to work. That's when it first hit me.

When this sick leave is over, I'd go back to my usual routine and more to cover for the days when I was gone. Out of nowhere, the small business that my partners and I passively ran for months closed another client which was SO AMAZING and I'M SO GRATEFUL ABOUT but also meant more work. Then, I found out that there was no need for me to take another RT-PCR test after 14 days which would have been fine if I wasn't an overthinker...but I had to know for sure before I get out of my apartment (yes, I have really close neighbors and we share a gate) to take out the trash and do the laundry which had piled up for days, get my clearance from our local health office, book a deep cleaning service and disinfection for my apartment unit, and get an x-ray. Plus, maybe, you know...get on with my normal life where I can use food delivery services again, go out to buy groceries, and breathe fresh air once in a while. EVERYTHING came at me at once: the stress, pressure, and expenses that I had to face after the 14th day...and I couldn't catch my breath once again. That day, I broke down at the slightest misunderstanding with my sister and cried myself to sleep.

After that, I started to try accomplishing as much work as I can. It was the only thing I could do in the meantime while waiting for the final day of Covid, and the beginning of busy weeks to come. Thankfully, I didn't need to be hospitalized nor put into an isolation facility and I was finally able to book a free RT-PCR test from our LGU. A friend also advised me to take an x-ray exam just to be sure. Come to think of it, I might still be lucky that this happened just now and that I only experienced mild symptoms (loss of smell, dry cough, and sore throat).

What has nothing to do with luck, on the other hand, is the fact that I did save for the rainy days and get myself vaccinated as soon as I could. I kind of saw this coming...like, really. My life story has not been that fortunate and I have always yoyo-ed on the thin line that separates whether my life will turn out either all good or straight down the drain. This might sound cliche but "falling down 7 times and standing up 8" have also become my mantra.

All it took was 5 garbage bags I had to live with, 6 types of medicine a day plus vitamins, 15 thousand pesos, 2 panic attacks, plenty of emotional support from friends and family, and the courage to live to fight another day. The rainy days were gloomy, intimidating, and maybe even traumatic...but it can also be life-changing if it motivates you to do everything in your power to avoid experiencing it ever again. Whether it's for you or your loved ones, always come prepared. 

Some of the conversations that are also worth noting were those with my high school friends. They all told me that I could get through with this because I have been a strong, independent woman ever since. We graduated in 2009 so it has been a long time ago since we were together. They were some of the few people who knew me even before my mom passed away and that was half of my life ago! Needless to say, a lot of things have happened since then.

It's inevitable to second guess every decision I make now that I moved out, but their words came at the right moment. I am glad to have met these people in this lifetime. I wish I could return the favor someday!

For now, I will just enjoy/endure my last 19 hours in isolation before bouncing back stronger (and hopefully, healthier).

Until my next drama session,

G.